I'll go be alone to think how I'm happy

Being alone is really rare for me. Living in New York, I'm rarely in a place where it feels like I'm by myself, and since I've always lived with roommates, that includes home. Tonight I'm alone because Matt flew home for Christmas this morning. I've been by myself at home for approximately four hours and I've already had to give myself things to do so I don't feel lonely or aimless. Watching a movie is good for this; it's like having other people around, only you can stare at them while eating. I've been playing a lot of Christmas music, too. Christmas music is particularly good at filling up empty space. That's probably why we play it at the time of year when it's most important to feel not alone.

I think part of why I'm so bad at being by myself is that it makes me work so hard to avoid the things I feel called to do but am afraid to try; for example, writing. I will go to great lengths to avoid doing anything productive while I'm alone, even though I know it's the key to solitary happiness. I'd much rather read internet gossip for hours at a time, drenching my brain in pointless information until I start to go bleary-eyed and binge on pita chips. But I'd like to get better at spending time alone...if only to save money on pita chips.