Many times many ways

Christmas is strange now that I'm an "adult". I still get excited as the day gets closer, although I get more excited now about what I'm giving to other people than what I might get. But the day itself is weird, kind of weighed down with nostalgia. Being at home is that way in general. It's great to be here and to see old friends, but it hurts, too. It hurts to remember how special those people are, and that I only see them once a year. It hurts when I've talked to them for thirty minutes and have to say goodbye again for who knows how long. It hurts that although the faces are the same, I feel different. Knowing I can never be the same as I was, that home can never be what it used to be, is heartbreaking, even though I have no regrets about moving away and starting my own life in New York. It's painful to get a glimpse of something wonderful that will never exist again.

I'll go be alone to think how I'm happy

Being alone is really rare for me. Living in New York, I'm rarely in a place where it feels like I'm by myself, and since I've always lived with roommates, that includes home. Tonight I'm alone because Matt flew home for Christmas this morning. I've been by myself at home for approximately four hours and I've already had to give myself things to do so I don't feel lonely or aimless. Watching a movie is good for this; it's like having other people around, only you can stare at them while eating. I've been playing a lot of Christmas music, too. Christmas music is particularly good at filling up empty space. That's probably why we play it at the time of year when it's most important to feel not alone.

I think part of why I'm so bad at being by myself is that it makes me work so hard to avoid the things I feel called to do but am afraid to try; for example, writing. I will go to great lengths to avoid doing anything productive while I'm alone, even though I know it's the key to solitary happiness. I'd much rather read internet gossip for hours at a time, drenching my brain in pointless information until I start to go bleary-eyed and binge on pita chips. But I'd like to get better at spending time alone...if only to save money on pita chips.

You said you needed time, and you had time

I keep saying I'll start writing more when I have time, but I never "have" time. I have an incredible ability to suck all of the free time out of my life (a great skill, I can assure you). So it's time to make time. The name of the blog is a reminder to myself to stay humble in my aspirations, and a reminder to the eventual reader(s?) to be forgiving with their expectations.